Windows. It would show me the way out while blasting me with Ads.
Linux, however, would do nothing but scream about how I should use it, and how it really is the best, all while giving confusing, complicated, and unhelpful info about its numerous distros. Then, when I say that's all too much and I'm just going to go talk to Windows, it spits on me.
If I was lost, Windows. More likely to get back to civilization by finding well adjusted users. Instead of one old graybeard that hasn't seen other people for days.
Either way, assuming I can find a large stick or rock, I'd have enough patience to do a manual physical uninstall and get back to my solitude. So I think I'd be pretty ambivalent.
I guess smashing the shit out of windows would be slightly more satisfying - but that's not really the main reason I'm alone in the woods.
And yes - before you ask the obvious follow-up - I have smashed the shit out of a thinkpad in the past, they're not as tough as people say they are; it's mostly false bravado. Don't be afraid to stand up to the bully (ymmv).