Why are neurotypicals in charge of making up the social rules? They're not even very good at it.

Was having a conversation with a friend today about why I seem unapproachable to people online. Apparently it's for 2 reasons.

One is that I say "K." all the time, as a short way of saying okay. She pointed out that most people find this rude and offensive. This kinda baffled me, because like why? She explained that like, if somebody were to give a long emotional speech and I just responded "K." that would be offensive. That confounds me. So it's rude in one context, and neurotypicals have decided to be offended by it in all contexts? But the reason it's rude is what confuses me more. Apparently it's considered lazy because you could have just typed out the word, but like, that applies to all text speech and nobody's mad about people shortening those words.

But it got more confusing when she explained the second reason, which is that I end all of my sentences with proper punctuation, which she said "makes people feel like I'm done with the conversation and not interested." But just a second ago improper grammar was rude, and now proper grammar is rude instead.

It baffles me. You can't just use proper or improper grammar. Use too much improper grammar and you're lazy and rude. Use too little and you're also rude. But you can't just use any improper grammar, you have to use the very specific subset of improper grammar that's been deemed acceptable and not lazy (even though it's exactly as lazy as what they do consider lazy.)

To be clear, I'm not bitter, and I'm definitely gonna adjust my behavior to hopefully seem a little less rude to people. I think that's just a nice thing to do. I just find the neurotypical mind utterly fascinating. I don't think they even realize how many contradictions exist in the social rules they all so easily accept.

hanrahan ,
@hanrahan@slrpnk.net avatar

K

slurp ,

I'm with you on the punctuation. The k bit I think is about showing you are putting effort in to understand and care, so something slightly longer like "k... I understand" or some extra acknowledgement that shows you understand and have taken the time to take it in helps. Personally, I have a big thing about miscommunication, so knowing people have understood me and listened actively is huge to me. "K." does not express much of anything other than "I saw there was a message", so I'd want to push to check that I've actually been heard.

Hope that makes sense.

sab ,
@sab@kbin.social avatar

The spelling thing bothers me a lot. I don't want to catch bad habits of writing shitty just because it's whatever seems trendy at the moment.

People used to give me shit for not using smileys, so I started adding :) everywhere in text messages. Then people told me I seem passive aggressive because I use :) instead of emojis.

Joke's on them. I could never be arsed to use emojis outside of very specific contexts, and now gen Zs are making fun of them for looking like boomers with their dumb emoji use. Apparently I still come across as passive aggressive though.

Sombyr OP ,
@Sombyr@lemmy.zip avatar

I never use emojis either, except specific ones for specific contexts (I.E. the hug emoji when somebody's having a really bad day.) People have pointed it out, but unlike other things people just view it as an interesting personality quirk of mine instead of off putting.

ABCDE ,

ꓘ

Glowstick ,

Your friend is at least partially misinforming you. It's fine to write k instead of ok in almost all situations. But either of them can be rude if the other person would expect more emotive words. For example here's when k is fine:

Them: Bring my pen when you come into the other room

You: k

And here's where k is not fine:

Them: Wanna go grab some drinks tonight at 8?

You: k

That's rude. They would want to hear you actually be interested in their invitation. Like saying "great" or "I'm in" or whatever.

Sombyr OP ,
@Sombyr@lemmy.zip avatar

...Ooooh. I think that's what she was trying to tell me actually and I just completely misunderstood. That second example is a type of situation I used it a lot in. I didn't realize people needed to know how interested I was. I thought they just needed a quick confirmation.

sab ,
@sab@kbin.social avatar

Often people are looking for some sort of validation, even when it's not obvious.

If they say "I can't join you in the bar today, I have too much work to catch up on", "K." is not a good answer. Several aspects needs to be addressed, ideally:

  1. That's too bad
  2. Next time
  3. Commentary on the state of work: Keep your head above water/your boss is such a jerk/we'll make up for it after your deadline on Thursday/whatever, depending on the situation and your relationship.

Basically, it's a way to show that you care about what they're telling you. It can be a bit exhausting at times.

Sombyr OP ,
@Sombyr@lemmy.zip avatar

This is really helpful. I didn't realize there were so many situations people were looking for validation. I just assumed when they said something like that it was just to quickly let me know and "K." was all they needed.

neatchee ,

To expand on this, consider that others cannot know what you're thinking without you telling them.

You might feel "I'm looking forward to that and I think we will have fun together."

But if you don't tell someone that, they are left to guess for themselves. That uncertainty is very uncomfortable.

Neurotypicals learned to give and use clues to help navigate life and determine if they need to change their actions. But it's a complicated balance. Most people don't like being told "I'm not interested in that." They'd rather hear "no thank you, maybe some other time." But they'd also much rather hear "that sounds like fun!" than hearing "yeah sure".

It can be very difficult to imagine what it's like to have a different set of information than what you yourself know. Practice this skill! It will help you in lots of situations. Do your best to reduce uncertainty while considering how it might feel to hear the new information you're sharing for the first time.

Good luck out there! <3

TrickDacy ,

k.

Outsider9042 ,

K

ObviouslyNotBanana ,
@ObviouslyNotBanana@lemmy.world avatar

K.*

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