I don't really know how to deal with coworkers who emotionally dump their issues on me

I'm a man and so far this has happened only with other men, but I'm genuinely baffled as to why some people do this. It has happened thrice so far in 3 different work settings:

One was a fifty-ish coworker who, 3 minutes after knowing me started a monologue/rant: 'I'm very Christian, there are too many migrants and refugees in this country, when their wars are over, we have to send them all back'. Kept repeating the 'very Christian' part quite often and talking about his conservative wife. I sat there, not knowing how to react until he said 'but let's not talk about politics'. We parted ways. I didn't work with him after that.

Another one is even better: no more than 4 minutes after knowing him on our first shift together: 'democrats and unions are useless (this was working in an unionized hospital where the union got us a raise, including his), there are too many Arabs in America, if Biden keeps letting migrants in, there's going to be another civil war, when Trump wins everything is going to be better, you're lucky to be only part Mexican, because you don't look too dark. When I was younger I was a right wing extremist, but not anymore and I'm not racist, because I'm married to a Croat.'

Speechless as well. How do I react to that?

The third one was not so unhinged, but opened his wallet to show me pictures of his service in the navy and then started to talk about his health issues. 20 minutes in our first shift together.

Why do some men do this?

Is this a way to test the waters to see how ideologically similar we are? Not everyone is going to think like you. Why alienate coworkers?

I'd never talk about my health issues with a person I barely know. You put yourself in a position to be exploited.

Do only older white conservative men do this?

LostWanderer , (edited )

I’m usually blunt about it and say, ‘I’m just here to work and go home, there is no reason for you to tell on yourself like this.’ I can’t waste emotional bandwidth on these types of people. Naturally it depends on the severity and gross factor of whatever they are trying to emotionally dump how much verbal force I use to shut them down.

As a long time ago, I observed a pattern of the types of people who do that. Heading it off before it can begin by remaining neutral and distant towards them. Using brief sentences to communicate, working alongside them without fostering any camaraderie.

I’ve noticed a wider range of people than older white conservative men, however, they seem more likely to with other men. I’ve had a wide range of people from young, old women attempt this while I was working. I acting a bit more polite in those situations, but defended my boundaries.

boatsnhos931 ,

It's a game of chicken. See how far you can go with it. Hitler was an amateur, I'm killing all the races!!!

surewhynotlem ,

I like to ask "why" over and over into they get to the core of their ideas, which is always hatred, and then they get embarrassed by it.

Boiglenoight ,

Crazy people do this. It’s a gender neutral issue. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Best you can do is not respond anymore than necessary with hope they’ll move on to the next person.

Takios ,
@Takios@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

Changed jobs recently and a colleague was supposed to show me the process of doing something. The very first thing out of his mouth were begging me not to get vaccinated because it would kill me.

I harshly responded that I disagree with his position and that he shouldn't bring up that topic again. He very much tested the water if I would be an ally to his conspiracy nut views but shutting that down quickly spared me further incidents like this. Other colleagues who tried to just ignore his ramblings just received more and more of it.

andrewta ,

If at first ignoring it doesn't work, be very very direct. That's just my opinion.

tyler ,

“You’re an idiot and there’s several BILLION people on the planet as proof of that fact.”

TunaCowboy ,

That's crazy bro.

solidgrue ,

Probably nothing moe than these are lonely older men who have forgotten how to interact with people socially, and you're new. I'd most likely have tuned out the first two, but that last guy sounds like he just wants to talk. If he was in the service, he might have some entertaining (if embellished) stories to tell. I'd have engaged.

You probay have a quiet, attentive and impassive way about yourself. Look people In the eye while they talk? Not volunteer much about yourself? Sort of an "aw, shucks," answer to most of what people lay on you? Don't offer suggestions about their problems because they're not yours and who the hell.are these people anyway?

Welcome to life as a Father Confessor! I say, get yourself ordained with the UU church ($65 and they send you a certificate, papers, and a card!) or the Subgenii (instant ordination AND salvation, just $44.99!), and learn to say anything other than "sorry" when people lay bad their bad mojo on you. Challenge them with uplifting suggestions like, "have you considered a life of public service,?" Or "Have you considered volunteering in a soup.kitchen?" If that fails, evangelize the Church of Bob or Joshua or Offler or whatever until they go stop.

6 times In 10 they clam up.and go away. 4 times in 10 the soup kitchen gets a volunteer for the evening, and maybe 1 time on 10 of those they keep at it.

Think of it as a public.good.

Taniwha420 ,

I second this. This sounds like older men seeking validation. I'm willing to bet that they've been sold on a mythical contract: "If you do X, you will have a smooth life and get respect." Problem is, many in the public don't believe in X or think it's a problem, their families/wife probably doesn't think much of them, and they haven't had the life they thought they were entitled to. Often this crew is looking for someone to blame for the unfulfilled contract nobody ever agreed to.

I suspect they're looking for validation ("Tell me I'm right and good."), and you're agreement that the people they think cheated them indeed did that and are bad/cheaters.

Old White Guys really got sold on this, "get a job, work hard, and your wife will lust after you," false contract. That's why they can be so hateful. It's either find someone who stole their reward from them, or acknowledge they believed a lie.

EDIT: I don't think you should be validating them. I believe they're wrong, and this mentality is a problem. Life is full of adversity. Success is not facing no adversity, it's facing it well. Also, you're not owed anything from other people. The only solution is to focus on being excellent, believe in yourself, and choose to move on from the people and things that don't bring you life. You can only control yourself.

ryven ,
@ryven@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

They think you look sympathetic and they're trying to make friends.

lurch ,

the very christian guy sounds like he's trying to cover something up. may be closeted gay with an affair with a migrant or so idk. he's preemptively telling you his cover story, so when the truth reaches you, you'll be like "very Christian racist guy would never".

the other racist ones could be of the sort "if i don't get disputed, they are silently agreeing". you have multiple options to deal with that. for example, telling HR, who may be interested in protecting the company from a racist image, or you could mention to coworkers, you suspect they are racist. both could lead to them leaving the company. speaking from personal experience, but i'm in EU.

PhlubbaDubba ,

I'm not racist because I'm married to a croat

Man must have been a serb

borari ,
@borari@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

[Thread, post or comment was deleted by the author]

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    PhlubbaDubba ,

    That joke about casual racism implying the existence of competitive racism was most certainly told by someone who wasn't aware of the basically everything about the Balkans, even the geography somehow!

    friend_of_satan ,

    Personally I would have no problem interrupting them with "I'm sorry, can we talk about something else?" and if they continued to ramble I would just ignore them or respond with obviously disinterested comments like "no way", "you don't say", "that's crazy", etc..

    Honestly though, I'd be interested to hear what girls would say to this because they probably deal with this a lot.

    xmunk ,

    You have the right to do your job in a safe and healthy environment. Other people don't have a right to make a workplace hostile by pushing their agenda. Just mention that you're not comfortable discussing religion or politics in the workplace and consider lodging a complaint in writing to HR in case you're suddenly let go "without cause".

    Kit ,

    I'm not sure why some people do this, but the counter is to be visibly uncomfortable and keep your reactions short. People engage when you engage, for the most part. When they cross a line, keep it at "I see." and don't ask for more details. You might appear aloof but I guarantee that the rest of your colleagues have learned similar defense mechanisms to avoid the same conversation.

    Pretend you're their boss's boss - how would he or she react if an employee trauma dumped?

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